i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
