I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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