You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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