You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
