I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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