he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
