omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
