I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
