i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's never too late to be topless.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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