Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
ugly people sure do ruin things
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
