Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
