Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
