I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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