So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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