i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
