i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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