Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
