Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
