Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
