You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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