Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
