my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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