I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
