dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bang-toberfest begins!!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
