im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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