He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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