Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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