the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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