there's paper in my vomit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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