I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
