i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
