On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
