2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
