and i looked up. we had an audience...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
