Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
