i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
