I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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