do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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