The best revenge is premature balding
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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