Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
