I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
