just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just threw up on my dentist
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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