you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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