Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
