I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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