You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
