she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
