my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
