I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
