They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
