I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
