So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
