I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
