She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
