my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
